In case you haven’t heard the news, there’s allegedly going to be a Presidential debate this coming Thursday. In the red corner will be Republican nominee Donald J. Trump. And in the blue corner will be …
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… hang on. Where did Joe Biden wander off to? Someone get ‘Doctor’ Jill to go grab him, OK? He’s behind the stage sniffing the curtains.
But seriously, folks, the upcoming debate should be quite a humdinger. [And in case you haven’t heard, Twitchy will be live blogging the proceedings. Stay tuned for more details this week.]
This morning, Twitchy reported several stories about CNN’s Kasie Hunt who laughably tried to run cover for debate moderators Jake Tapper and Dana Bash, then made it worse by tweeting about CNN’s ‘integrity.’ Hunt got the Twitchy trifecta in a single day when she was reminded how she cheered the news story about Senator Rand Paul being attacked by his neighbor.
But no matter how much the CNN moderators try to put their thumbs on the scale for Biden, and they will — not to mention their whole hands, feet, and heck just go ahead and sit right on that scale — the debate will still come down to the performances of the two candidates.
Accordingly, earlier today, ‘principled conservative’ Bill Kristol decided this would be a great time to provide some debate tips for … Biden.
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Pardon our cringe. Could you speak in any more generic pablum, Mr. Kristol?
But we’ll give him credit. At least his advice didn’t include asking Biden to announce starting a new war somewhere. That type of thing always gets Kristol all hot and bothered.
But the news got even better for Biden. It turns out, Kristol wasn’t the only one with some outstanding debate tips. Twitter saw his tweet and helpfully jumped into the fray with a new hashtag: #DebateAdvice4Joe.
It all started with our friend The Morning Spew, who excels at creating hilarious hashtag games.
We appreciate her offering that advice in plain English, so Biden didn’t have to lock himself in the bathroom to decode it.
Just don’t give Biden an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action 200-Shot Range Model Air Rifle. He’ll definitely shoot his eye out.
Spew followed up with a few more words of wisdom before others jumped into the game.
You can’t be ‘Dark Brandon’ without the Aviators.
That’s … a smile? We guess? Who knows with Biden’s face?
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Jill will be standing by with her hypodermic needle, that’s for sure.
OOF. He probably should avoid telling any stories about going into the 7-11 as well.
Now that the game had kicked off, others cheerfully joined the conversation to give Biden all the help they could.
Even if his ‘true self’ is an incoherent zombie, this is still good advice.
If Biden goes through the whole debate with just one side of his face turned to the cameras, we’ll all know why.
Best Presidential chant in history, Jack.
The diaper jokes then came fast and furious, just like … well, we’ll leave it at that.
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LOL. Also, EEEEW, dude. How about a trigger warning before giving us that mental image?
Biden has been cloistered away at Camp David all week for ‘debate prep,’ which is a euphemism for his medical team trying to find the right cocktail that will keep him on his feet for a couple of hours.
OUCH. That moment in 2021 was when it all started going downhill for Biden. His poll numbers have never recovered from Afghanistan. Nor should they have.
Or, the moderators themselves for that matter. At least one of the moderators.
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If Biden gets too close … RUN, DANA.
Or he could just yell out, ‘That’s a bunch of malarkey.’
On second thought, maybe Biden should avoid that word altogether.
HAHAHAHAHA. Turkey, Malarkey … whatever, man. It’s, you know, the ‘thing.’
LOL. Yes, Uncle Bosey should be strictly off-limits. Just like Corn Pop. And growing up in a black, Jewish, Puerto Rican, Irish, gay neighborhood in Scranton.
The angry shouting is always entertaining. But avoid the whispering because that is just CREEPY.
Crowley will be in the back, holding up cue cards.
They have to at least PRETEND the moderators aren’t completely on one side, after all.
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‘Truiminashabadazinpur’ was always one of our favorites.
Hey. You stop it with those ‘cheap fakes.’
All kidding aside, this really is probably the most sound advice. The media has set the bar so low for Biden that if he just shows up and manages not to fall down, pass out, or shake hands with any ghosts for a couple of hours, they will all declare him the winner and swoon at his masterful performance.
None of that will likely be true, but that never stopped them from spinning a narrative.
The hashtag game is still going on though, so if you have any helpful tips, feel free to pop on over to Twitter and offer your #DebateAdvice4Joe. If nothing else, it will make Bill Kristol look ridiculous, which is always right and fun.