The Remmys Fractured Media Nominations: Kamala’s Pizza, Avocado Danger, and a Bone-In Chicken Wing Case

  

It is time for a new round of nominations for nefarious news nonsense! In recognizing the efforts of press unprofessionalism, journalistic sloth, and generally deserved media mockery, we have created “The Golden Remington Awards.” 

This trophy honors the olden days when hard-scrabble hacks committed actual journalism and hammered out dispatches on those hefty wordsmith devices. With an eye to that past of muckraking reporting and shoe leather investigation, we acknowledge those who fail today or misreport in an audacious fashion.

These are the inauspicious nominations, in several categories, to be honored at the end of the year for the 2024 Remmy Awards. 

Distinguished Breaking Reporting

• Edward-Isaac Dovere – CNN

With the breaking news of Kamala Harris ascending to the top of the Democratic Party ticket, journalists have been scrambling to lend their enthusiastic support. Immediately after the announcement had gone out that Kammy learned she would be the choice, CNN’s senior reporter Dovere came out with some BREAKING information about the decision.

He delivered to readers what she was wearing at the time, as well as what she ate (pizza!), and we even learned about her choice of topping!!

Distinguished Local Reporting

• Esme Murphy – WCCO Minneapolis

The widespread effort in the press to rewrite the history of Kamala Harris continues, even on the local level. This was a particularly egregious example where Murphy, a reporter from the area where Harris infamously promoted the effort to bail out those arrested during the Minnesota riots, attempted to frame Donald Trump as misrepresenting the story.

Trump said in his speech that Harris “helped” with the fund, and this is something Murphy knew full-well, and not only because she is a local. Esme had previously reported on the issue, and she even spoke to Harris about her involvement.

Distinguished National Reporting

• Rachel Maddow – MSNBC

Unlike the slobbering ring-kissing going on with Kamala, when JD Vance was announced as Trump’s Vice Presidential running mate, the press went into criticism overdrive, looking for any reason to denigrate the pick. Rachel Maddow went into her blue-anon best by suggesting that there was a racist component to Vance’s business.

Her crackpot theory was that since he named his business after a J. R. R. Tolkien creation – Naria – this was proof of racist intent because somehow it has been concluded that people who tend towards white supremacy use “The Lord Of The Rings” as inspiration and name companies after characters from the book series. She takes this stunted conspiracy further, stating that by transposing the first letter of his company to the end of the name, you end up with “Aryan,” and there you have it!

Distinguished Cultural Criticism

• Nardine Saad – Los Angeles Times

There are many in the media and entertainment who have a pathological desire to turn a news item onto themselves, even when there is no direct link to them. One recent example was Jen Psaki looking at the assassination attempt on Donald Trump and stating how this meant she feared for her own safety. This need to steer attention from a topic and make themselves the new focus is commonplace and shallow, but it does not mean you need to make this desperate effort into a news story.

In another example of this stretch, JD Vance was coming under criticism (shocker) for an interview dredged up from years back where he commented how there were many in the Democrat leadership behaving like childless cat ladies. Actress Jennifer Aniston weighed in on the matter, since she was not named and is not a member of the Democratic party, but she has had her challenges with conceiving, therefore…this meant that…um, something, or other. 

Yet here was the press, seeing the need to repeat her comments as if they were deeply trenchant offerings.

Distinguished Explanatory Reporting 

• Anahad O’Connor – Washington Post

It might seem a tad pedantic to report on people injuring themselves opening up avocados, but wait – there’s more! There has been a sharp rise in avocado-related hand injuries, and there is a noticeable spike in these maladies in the months of April through July!

Uh-huh…and as we get told, it appears this increase is right in line with the rising popularity of avocado-guacamole consumption, and the calendar curiosity is tied into the weather warming up and more cookouts taking place. 

We eagerly await the next report on the surge of barbeque burns seen in summer months, or the spike in hot dog-related choking incidents.

Distinguished National Reporting

• Michael Rubinkam – Associated Press

In a buyer-beware cautionary tale, CBS Money Watch is here to deliver a warning to those tavern patrons looking to order chicken wings in the future. If you are the sort who desires to opt for boneless wings, you might in fact be given those wings that do contain avian skeletal remnants!

In a state supreme court case from Ohio, a ruling came down this week that declared in a case of a diner alleging he suffered a throat injury after a bone was lodged in his throat, he should not have expected his meal to be completely bone-free. In the 4-3 decision one justice declared that the description is one of a cooking style rather than a promise of no bones to be found. “A diner reading ‘boneless wings’ on a menu would no more believe that the restaurant was warranting the absence of bones in the items than believe that the items were made from chicken wings, just as a person eating ‘chicken fingers’ would know that he had not been served fingers,” wrote Justice Joseph T. Deters for the majority.

The Klondike Cup – for Distinguished Frozen Desserts Coverage

• Peter Alexander – NBC News

There was some dark irony seen when it was realized that Joe Biden was stepping down from the election on a date of deep significance for the president. The announcement that he would no longer be in the race was made on National Ice Cream Day.

Days later, when the previously missing president made a public address for the first time in a week to officially declare he was not going to be the nominee any longer, a gathering was held in Biden’s honor, reported Alexander.

• After his speech, a celebratory scene in the Rose Garden here, where hundreds of White House staffers greeted the President with cheers. Aides telling me it was both joyful and bittersweet, and perhaps Savannah, fittingly for this President, the White House served everyone ice cream, a Biden favorite.