Alaska Man Monday – Drive Throughs and Dumb Crooks

  

The weather is turning nicer here in the Great Land, although overcast skies kept us from watching the wondrous auroras over the last few days. The upside, or maybe the downside, of nicer weather, is that our current crop of dumb crooks is moving about outdoors more, and after one cuisine-related note, we have a couple of Alaskan dumb crooks to tell you about.

But first, why so many drive-through Thai joints in Fairbanks?

Because it’s cold in the winter!

Coffee huts have been a thing in Fairbanks for at least a half-century and are a common presence in Alaska and as far south as Washington state. They tend to be slightly larger than a typical backyard shed, and customers pay and receive goods from the same window. You’ll rarely see more than two people working inside. Unlike larger drive-throughs like Starbucks, these coffee huts tend to be much smaller, independently owned, and run by an owner/operator. While you might find a picnic table outside these businesses during warmer months, the goal is to serve hot caffeinated drinks while keeping patrons in the car during winter. Over the past 15 years, a handful of Thai restaurateurs have decided to take advantage of the fact that people prefer to stay in their cars when being exposed to the often below-freezing weather.

The coffee huts are certainly a thing all over the Great Land; my wife occasionally stops at one in Willow or another down in Houston for coffee when she’s out running errands. But we don’t have any Thai huts anywhere around here, although there is a Thai restaurant on the highway to the south and another up at the Talkeetna turnoff. Why so many Thai places in general? That I can’t answer. 

At least we don’t have any illegal aliens demanding more drive-through Thai food.

See Related:Illegal Immigrants Adopt Left-Wing Tactics in Denver, Make Insane List of Demands

Alaska Man score: 5 moose nuggets. We love entrepreneurship.

Now, on to some stupid crooks.

Wasilla Man plays stupid games and wins stupid prizes.

On 5/2/24 at approximately 1538 Palmer AST observed a vehicle pull off the roadway near Fairview and Fern in an abrupt manner and park in the ATV path. AST stopped to ensure the driver did not need assistance and ultimately learned through the drivers admissions that Corey Jenson, age 29 of Wasilla, was driving with a revoked license and multiple prior convictions for DWLR. Further investigation revealed Jenson was currently on pretrial supervision and had conditions of release to obey all laws. Additionally, Jenson was found to be in possession of methamphetamine.

So, driving with no license, parking in the ATV path (most highways and byways up here have ATV/walking/bike paths alongside), and having meth. This is your brain on drugs, folks.

Alaska Man score: 1.5 out of 5 moose nuggets. Demerits for being an idiot; point and a half for being unintentionally entertaining. Maybe he should have tried hiding it in a cheeseburger.

See Related:Border Officials Bust Drug Traffickers Concealing Fentanyl in a Hamburger

Grandma of the Year in Cantwell.

On 05/10/2024 at approximately 2130 hours AST observed 2 vehicles traveling at over 100 mph near Mile 228 Parks Highway. Both vehicles were stopped. One of the vehicles was occupied by a juvenile with only an instructional permit and no licensed driver in the vehicle. Investigation determined Thelma Evan, age 66 of Fairbanks permitted the juvenile to drive. The juvenile was issued a misdemeanor summons for Driving in Violation of an Instruction Permit and a speeding ticket. Thelma was issued a misdemeanor summons for Permitting an Unauthorized Person to Drive. The other driver which was going over 100 mph was also issued a speeding citation. 

The juvenile must have been somewhere between 14 and 16 if he or she had a learner’s permit. We can probably cut the kid a little slack, as a kid that age isn’t going to have the best judgment. But Grandma – we can assume it’s Grandma – sets a whole new level of stupidity here. The only thing that mitigates this a little is that the vehicles were traveling on a stretch of highway where there isn’t much of anything to run into. That part of the Parks Highway is north of Cantwell and runs up a canyon toward the entrance to Denali National Park. Kind of out in the middle of nowhere, and it’s lucky Granny and the kid didn’t go off the road.

Unlike some grandmas we could name, this granny has earned some time in the crowbars.

See Related:As ‘J6 Praying Grandma’ Faces Prison, Trump Shares Support Calling Her ‘One of Biden’s Hostages’

Alaska Man score: 0.5 out of 5 moose nuggets. Only half an entertainment point, since Granny here was endangering a kid. Demerits for child endangerment, speeding, and being a moron.

Now, then, some information on deep snow and frost heaving.